Perimenopause Can Suck It #8: Negating the Negative

Oh, perimenopause, you are a cruel mistress.  How do you sucketh? Let me count the ways: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7.  Dang, that’s a whole lotta suck.

Most women know that perimenopause can start in their 30s (THE HORROR!) and continue on until their 50s (THE HORRIBLE HORRORS!).  What you may not know is that once perimenopause gets closer to becoming the year of no mo’ periods, aka menopause, it get bitchier and wants to stab you into a submissive heap.  No lie.

Technically, menopause is defined as such by the Mayo Clinic: Menopause is the permanent end of menstruation and fertility, defined as occurring 12 months after your last menstrual period.

You know what pisses me off about the Mayo?  They list this definition under diseases and conditions.  Makes me what to punch a copywriter, assuming it’s a copywriter’s decision to place a naturally occurring physiological female function under conditions and diseases.  And I love me some copywriters.

Which brings me to negating the negative.

As you have deduced by now, OMT gets cranky dealing with such nonsense.  Perimenopause is my generation’s breast-feeding in public campaign: IT’S A NATURAL STEP IN A WOMAN’S LIFE. STOP TELLING US IT NEEDS TO BE FIXED.

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Yo, Mayo, totally not a disease.  I’ll throw you some slack on it being a condition, if by condition you mean temporary like the adolescent acne that is mocking some of us as our children go off to college.  If that’s not what you mean, we need to have a conversation.  Wear a helmet; things are gonna get punchy.

I refrained from ending that last sentence with “asshole” because I thought it didn’t fit the negating theme, but it’s how I feel most of the time when anyone tries to put perimenopause in a neat box.  Those of us in the throes of perimenopause know what’s happening, we know what’s what, and what we don’t need it a tsunami of advice on how to hide our discomfort through medications or trite advice from those who can only imagine to be in our hot flash pants.

GOSH!

How does one negate the negative while living through the terrain altering EF5 tornado of perimenopause symptoms?

With a strong-ass will, that’s how.

TO THE BULLET POINTS:

* Remember, this too shall pass.

* ^ When someone says this to you, other than a woman living through this particular hell, or one who has made it to the other side WipeOut-style, don’t actually punch them, that’ll get you time.

* Food.

* Strong drink.

* Live with abandon, meaning to wear as few articles of clothing in public that you can get away with legally.

* Master “the look” that instructs folks to leave you a wide-berth.  You don’t need people trying to help; you need people to leave you the hell alone, or someone’s getting punched, baby.

* Keep the name of your lawyer on your person at all times…just in case someone misread the look you were giving them and got. too. close. to. the. vortex.

* Go with the flow, or reduced flow, or overflow, as it may be.

* Be honest with your feelings.  Telling people you are feeling punchy reduces the actual number of punches you’ll have to administer.  Saves some wear and tear on your knuckles.

* Humor

Ladies (and the few brave dudes who read here), all I can offer you is my sympathy, with a splash of vodka laughs.  I have been told that my symptoms are minor in comparison to most women’s and that I should be grateful.  I have yet to have a hot flash.  I am mean only once in a great while.  I am dealing fairly well, except when I’m not.  My brain won’t even take me to the horrible peri-land where other women live.

~shudder~

Garry was asked by a friend the other day how my hormones were working for me.  He replied that I’m transitioning without drugs or hormones.  Her response?  “Good luck to you!”

It made me laugh, but in that nervous OMGOODGOLLY way because she knows of what she speaks.   Like there’s still stuff that I don’t know about and until I do, I don’t earn my customary Welcome To The Club certificate.

Perimenopause is not for the weak.  It’s just one more swipe my body is gonna take at me before my final deposit into the ground.  You gotta laugh.  If not, someone’s getting punched.

Either way works for me.

CLIFF NOTES: Punching negates the negative of perimenopause as it releases endorphins making everyone but the punchee happy.  For the record: There are no formal medical studies that back up my claim.  It’s purely my own research and findings.

Perimenopause can SUCK IT.

 

* Disclaimer: All information in this series is based on my personal experience and is not intended to take the place of your doctor’s advice.

 

~If you are overpowering the negative, please consider sharing on social media. Smooches!~

 

 

 

 

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