When Your Cancer Insides Show On The Outside
When people find out you're receiving treatment for breast cancer, but haven't yet lost your hair, they're calm and encouraging and full of fight for you. Once you start losing your hair, expect the same encouraging fight with a heaping side of uncomfortable unknowing about how to react properly to your cancer insides showing on the outside.
Laswy, that's a lot of head. (DON'T SAY THAT!)
It's easy to forget cancer when you have a full head of hair. It's easier to deal with when you look healthy on the outside, even if your insides need the chemo that will take your hair.
I don't blame one person who has instantly become sad at seeing my head without hair. I don't blame one person for being left without words they feel they can tell me, but instead offer tight smiles and unspoken worry. I don't blame anyone any of their emotions. Not one.
Seeing the upending reality of cancer, up close and bald, is a sharp slap to the psyche, even for the strongest among us.
Bald chemo heads represent sickness, hardship, uneasiness, the unknown, tears, pain, but most of all, death. We know not everyone who has cancer dies, but we also know many do. When you see that head on the body of someone important to you, on the body of someone you love, it can leave you feeling helpless, scared and countless other awful emotions. I know this. You know this. But until you're the one sporting the head without hair, you have no idea the weight of the emotion you evoke among the masses.
The first time I went out shopping, wearing a ball cap on my newly shaved head, I could see the lingering looks of strangers. I saw folks look away as I went to meet their gaze. I saw shy smiles offered. I saw care given to make sure I was given my space. None of it was unfamiliar because I've done the same; I've offered the same. The only difference now was I was on the receiving end and it was intensely uncomfortable.
Not because of the love that surrounded me, but that I elicited the deeply instinctual emotion we have to care for those we think are frail. That part was hard.
This is what happens when your cancer insides show on the outside: folks want to love you well. Man, wouldn't that be a blissful alternative to chemo, to be loved to complete wellness?
When people offer me what I have offered others in my position, there's nothing I can do about it but let it roll on by and know that while I have unwell days, I'm certainly not frail, no matter what my head telegraphs to the world.
I am more than my bald head. I am still a person of action and faith and fight. This bald head does not define me, nor did it define the others before or those after me. It's a lesson that took me all of 5 minutes to learn once I stepped outside without my blonde locks.
Yep, my cancer insides are showing on the outside and it's unnerving everyone. So what can one do, other than offer tight smiles and an unsure spirit of expression?
This:
* If you see me, give me an air high-five (I have to be careful with germs, so a full-contact high-five is a little outside my comfort zone with strangers) as I fight the fight.
* If you see me, smile the smile of one who knows another as conqueror. Nothing tight and uncomfortable about victory, is there?
* If you see me, acknowledge that I am trying my damnedest to kick cancer's teeth in and my head is proof of such kickassery.
* If you see me, understand that I have not given one millimeter to cancer, nor do I plan to allow it to take from me that which I love.
* If you see me, rejoice in modern medicine's ability to be my sharpened sword dripping with cancer's entrails.
* If you see me, offer prayer for my restored health.
* If you see me, tell me your best knock-knock joke. Laughter is good for the soul.
* If you see me, I am still alive; I am still living. Please do not pretend that I don't have the same death sentence you have. We're all dying baby, and my bald head is no guarantee I'm leaving this earth before you.
* If you see me, know that I am not frail, but fighting for my life in a very public way, which brings us back to the air high-five!
Obviously, cancer is not easy. Obviously, we're gonna worry. We can't turn that part of ourselves off; I wouldn't ask anyone to try. What we can do is offer a moment of solidarity in the fight.
Yep, my cancer insides are showing on the outside. Ain't nothing I can do about that, but live. Join me and reject those tight smiles and unsure spirits of expression.
~air high-five~
Onward.
You are so strong and so beautiful! And I saw one of your comments about a wig being too hot...Isn't that the truth. You ROCK it woman and stay strong! XOXO
No wig! I love my ball caps and let's not forget about the douchey fedora! Thanks, Katie!
When I went bald, I had a few straggly hairs left that my husband cut off, because I could not see some of them. But I did wear my hat, after I finally ventured out and a small kid made a comment. I just want to say DON'T GIVE UP & KEEP PRAYING - DON'T LOSE FAITH!! GOD IS THE ULTIMATE PHYSICIAN!!! HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS WHAT LIES AHEAD!!
I was given no time when they found my tumor after 2 years!! It was eating up my spine & I could hardly walk!! I had a radiation, chemo, etc. to kill my immune system. Then they froze my own stem cells and put them back in. I was in the hospital over a month & I kept having to have Aredia to strengthen my bones and for the pain. I am still on morphine. BUT BY THE GRACE OF THE GOOD LORD I AM STILL HERE! My doctors call me their miracle patient - yes miracles still happen! I will pray for you and bookmark this page so I can keep tabs on you. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY PRETTY MOMMA!!
Sue, what an amazing story. Thank you for sharing it with us and thank you for the prayers. I've lived long enough to know that docs take educated guesses and they can give us guidelines, but the can't say for certain what the outcome will be. Keep fighting, and we in turn will pray for you.
Air high five! You are an amazing and strong person! Wishing you all the best and sending prayers your way 🙂
My mom and co-worker both had breast cancer. Both beat it. Mom has been cancer free for over 15 years. My co-worker had her 5 year mark. You will beat it too. As a woman, I already know you are strong. My prayers and good thoughts are going your way.
Thank you for the encouragement and prayers, Dawn!
This is so helpful. Lots of "awareness strategies" being publicized these days, yet appropriate response to cancer, involving far more people than those other populations combined, lacks the same amount of attention. I think we all approach with compassion, but adopting a supportive, upbeat response is something that remains to be learned. I have learned from you here, though, and I intend to share my new wisdom. Everyone knows, or is, someone with cancer today. It's everywhere. And the large majority beat it soundly. You will too!
PS And I think Dex does need a lil buddy, just for the heck of it!
Thank you, Joyce. An upbeat moment of encouragement goes a long way. (and i'll be sure to tell Dex, you're in his corner!)
~virtual air high-five~
That's what I'm talking about!
Wow, Patti! You are a champ. I love your declaration "we're all dying baby ... " So true. And, our days are not guaranteed. The more people I have had to say goodbye to -- especially those who died way too young-- makes me more and more grateful for every day. I am so impressed with your courage, optimism and faith. You are getting my prayers for sure, girl. You are a winner and may you be healed completely... that is my prayer. Much love .... Sinea ♥
Yes, our days are not guaranteed and knowing people younger than me who have passed brings that close to home every day. Thank you for the kind words and prayers, friend.
I am so glad I've discovered your site. And all because I was looking for SU guidance! Air high five my new friend. I'm subscribing now.
~air high-five~ Welcome, Kelly! So happy to have you join the fun here.
Thank you so very much for sharing your experiences. I appreciate your candidness very much.
Thank you, Sarah.
I have a hard time putting my thoughts together about watching others battling cancer, and you put it so well! So many of us that aren't in the cancer battle want to help and be encouraging, but we simply don't know what to do. This has been super helpful for me! Thank you Patti & I will be praying God restores your health and gives you wonderful moments with your family.
I think we have all been there, Carrie. I'm happy this post was helpful. Thank you for the prayers. My family and I appreciate them.